Day 142-147 Shaking & Moving...Alone

Last week, I went to my Zumba class alone, twice.  Before I went each time, I email three of my friends who went with me in the past and everyone of them said they weren't available.  My sister who lives with me was at work and wouldn't make it home in time enought to come Zumba with me.  At 4 p.m. each day, I was alone in going to my Zumba class.  My first thought was to go but then I got scared and had a mental battle with myself as to wheather or not I should go to Zumba since no one else was going.  After about and hour of this, I consulted my husband and he said, "Yeah you should go babe.  You keep going and get sexier".  Needless to say my mental battle ended but not my fear of going alone.  This was my first time going to Zumba alone and I guess not having anyone to lean on for support while at Zumba frightened me.  What was I scared of?  I haven't the slightest clue but the thought of being alone moving and shaking didn't sit well with me.  Even though my friends weren't available, I made myself go because in the end, no not of life but the end of your journey, all you really have is God and yourself.  If you don't make yourself go after what you want then you will never get what your eyes are set on.

My sis-in-law and I on our way to Zumba. Her first time. She was nervous.

My oldest sister and I home from Zumba.  This was my sister's first time.  We were exhusted!

Oh and even though I have on the same shirt, these pictures are like a two weeks apart.

I've been going to Zumba alone for about two or three weeks now and I notice that when I go alone, I sweat more.  Weird, right? Not really.  When I'm uncomfortable I make jokes with whomever I'm with.  Well, with no one going with me for the last few times, I couldn't make jokes to anyone even though the room is filled with women.  Less talking and more working is what happens to me when I go to Zumba alone.  Go figure, right?! LOL

Day 136-141 Numbers Checked? Check!

Last Saturday my church sponsored a Health Fair.  It was really awesome because they had a medical truck that performed different test screenings like diabetes, high blood pressure and HIV.  I decided to get my diabetes and high blood pressure checked.  The last time I had my number ran was about two years ago when I found out I was pregnant.  I wasn't sure if it counted since I was pregnant so I wanted to get it checked since I'm not pregnant now.  Anyway, I was a bit nervous because my father has diabetes and high blood pressure and a host of other health problems.  My biggest fear is that my weight has granted me the unfortunate fate of sharing my father's health problems. 

The nurse that performed the tests was a healthy seventy-something year old woman who look as if she never ate anything bad in her entire life and her husband is a doctor who hasn't eatten sweets since 1996!  When she saw this big black beautiful girl walk on the tiny medical bus, I know she was thinking all kings of stuff.  I can imagine her looking at me and saying to herself, "That's one big girl!  I know I'm going to give her a rude awakening."  Well, first she performed the high blood pressure test and she seamed surprised that my blood pressure was normal because she said, "Oh, looks like your blood pressure is good."  I don't remember exactly what my numbers were because I really wanted to hear about the diabetes test.  Well, here we go...the big test.  The scary test.  The test that would shake my foundation.  The nurse pricked my finger with an Accu-Chek blood glucose monitor and after a few seconds, yes, seconds, my number was 103.  The nurse said that was good.  I went back to my health information session class thinking this little old lady lied to me.  If 110 is the normal, I asked her before I left the bus, than 103 must mean I'm pre-diabetic, right? Wrong.  My glucose blood sugar is fine.  I'm fine.  This was great news!  Granted I'm not where I should be but I'm working on my weight and as long as I keep going, I will be alright.

Day 132-135 One of those days

Today is not a good day.  I'm trying to stay positive but I don't know how much longer I can fake it.  I'm sitting here trying not to cry or eat because I'm just really down about my life today.  Yesterday I had an another interview, I think I'm in the fifties with these interviews, and asked my typical interview question: "Is there any thing you see on my resume or anything that we discussed that makes you think I'm not qualified for this position?"  The answer is always not but yesterday the legal secretary, I was being interviewed by a legal secretary and an attorney, said no.  She said you're qualified and very articulate.  She went on the say other nice things about me but I can't remember the other compliments she paid me because in my head I'm screaming hire me!  HIRE ME! HIRE ME!  The attorney chimed in and said "I just want to be clear.  This isn't a paralegal position.  This is a legal secretary position and you seam to have more paralegal experience and some secretarial experience but we're looking for more secretary experience.  I don't want you to think your getting a paralegal position and want to make sure that's clear".  I told the attorney the title of the position doesn't matter.  I'm looking for a permanent position in a law firm and I don't care if I'm the file clerk.  I'm looking to gain experience with a law firm I can grow with.  You can hire me as a file clerk and it wouldn't matter.  The attorney just said, "Okay."  I'm a bit confused because my resume gets me the interviews and they can obviously read the what I have experience in but when they interview me they say I'm over qualified or under qualified.  I just don't get it.

You know people actually think I'm not trying to find a job?  Yes.  Someone told me last week that I'm not trying to find a job because I did not have an interview last week but I had one the week before that and the week before that.  I guess if I don't get an interview at least once a week I'm not trying.  Also, I have people telling me I should've been working or they could've been had me a job.  I can go and get a job but what I want is so much bigger than a job.  I'm not sure if people can understand what I'm fighting for.  It goes beyond just a job.  I'm fighting for a career, something no one in my immediate family has ever had and it's not just for me.  I'm fighting for my unborn children.  They will not have this same fight.  This thing is so big that I know one I break through, I will be able to help more people besides my husband and kids.  My parents will be better off and so will my siblings.  I'm trying but I'm tired.  Sunday the Word for the Lord was to be positive and you have to move past asking God to do and expecting Him to do.  I'm past asking.  I'm past prophecies.  I'm ready, been ready, for my actual blessings and prophecy to come to my present. 

Although yesterday's interview was good, I feel like I'm getting nowhere in my life.  In the past year the only thing that changed is that I got my driver's licence.  I'm still unemployed and childless.  I can't help my husband with the financials and attempt to relieve stress from him because I DON'T HAVE A JOB!  I considered going to work in retail and make mimumin wage until I can find a more permit position but when I broke down how much I receive from unemployment I make less on unemployment than I would working a mimumin wage paying job.  How ridiculous is that?!  I'm really tired.  Really tired.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong nor do I understand why it seams others are getting blessed and I'm still waiting in line.

I'm just having one of those days.  

Day 119-131 Duck Duck Goose

Yesterday was my anniversary!!   My husband and I have been married for three years.  Last night, we decided to celebrate by going to dinner and to see the movie Hanna, really good movie by the way.  I wanted to try something new so I decided to try duck.  Now, if you know anything about me, I do not like trying anything new.  My motto is if I go to a restaurant that is foreign to me, eat chicken.  Chicken is always safe because I know what I'm eating.  Well, for some reason, yesterday I was in the mood to be different.  Duck is good and the consistency reminded me of ham but you order it like you would a steak, well done, medium, etc.  I ordered mine medium well and although I enjoyed my duck, I didn't enjoy eating the fat.  Like steak, fat is the juiciest part but I wasn't raised eating fatback and eating fat is disgusting to me.  I cut the fat and just ate the duck.  Once I ate the meet, I enjoyed it but my mind was trying to play tricks on me. 

As I was eating my duck, thoughts were popping in my head attempting the make me freak out.  It almost worked too but I had to talk to myself and dismiss all negative thoughts and just go for it.  I have such a hard time trying new things, even non food related things, because I can't see the outcome.  I remember when I was in college and I realized that at age 21, I could be on my own, living in an apartment with a grown-up job and be an adult.  This thought scared the crap out of me.  I couldn't see how this could happen for me at such a young age.  I couldn't imagine myself at 21 being a grown-up and I could see how to get there or what would happen once I was there.  Instead of just embarrassing life as it came, I worried about the outcome so much that I literally ran from adulthood.  I did everything in my power to sabotage my chance of growing up too quickly.  I would drop out of school and stop going to class and this behavior forced the school to put me on academic probation several times.  I just wasn't ready for life, so I thought but the fact of the matter was just too concerned about tomorrow that I couldn't enjoy life today.  At the time I was in a junior college and it took me seven years to complete my degree.  It took me seven years to get a two year degree.  That's why last night was so important for me.  I needed to get over myself and just try something new. 

Anyway, back to my duck.  We went to a restaurant call GG's Restaurant and it was a beautifully romantic place.  My husband wore a black suit with a white shirt and I wore a black dress with a red belt.  I was so excited to celebrate our anniversary.  You should have seen me.  I felt like a kid in a candy store.  I was smiling from ear to ear because it was nice being out with my hubby.  We had a chance to just do us without any family members around.  Alone time is good for every relationship.  Anyway, I was beside myself with excitement.  My husband looked good, I looked good and felt good so I ordered me a drink.  Yes, a drink.  I ordered a nice cold, icy strawberry daiquiri, a virgin strawberry daiquiri.  It was good too. 

Although, I'm changing my eating habits, I was not concerned with this yesterday.  I just wanted to enjoy myself and my husband and I did.  I have no regrets because you only get to live once, married once, and one anniversary.  Yesterday wasn't about counting calories instead it was about enjoying life in the moment.

Here is what I ordered:

Flatbread Pizza of the Day - ham, spinach, tomatoes, Swiss cheese (we shared this)
Duck Brest - A roasted boneless duck breast with an orange and wasabi glaze served with scallion rice
pilaf and stir fried vegetables

Day 105-118 Kickboxing Kicked my Butt!

Finally back after a week of being sick!  I was so sick last week, my fingers hurt and all I did was slept until I was better.  I'm not exactly sure what I had but whatever it was it's gone now, thank God.  Anyway, I wasn't at the gym at all last week due to my sickness.  I didn't even have strength to do excerises at home.  I can't believe I went an entire winter without getting sick and then the last day of winter, it all caught up to me last Sunday.  When I was sick, my diet consisted of chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches on wheat bread.  I ate that for a week until I was feeling better.  I couldn't taste food so eating anything else was pointless.  I thought my sickness diet would render me a pound or two on the scale but it definitely did not; however, I didn't gain weight either.  I haven't gained or lost weight in a while come to think of it.  I'm glad I haven't gained any weight but I really need to reevaluate what I'm doing so I can drop some weight again.

Since my weight loss is at a temporary stand still, I decided to treat myself as if I've been through rehab.  Let me explain.  I wrote a blog about being a junkaholic and I've been struggling with getting off the junk for a few months now.  I haven't had a clear day of no junk since I December of last year and since I track everything I eat on Sparkpeople.com, I know this is the reason I haven't dropped that much weight in the past few months.  Anyway, I decided to take it one day at a time when it comes to not eating junk.  I mean I literally take it one day at a time.  I started about two weeks ago an haven't make it past day one but no matter what happens, slip-up, forgetfulness, a piece of candy accidentally falls into my mouth, I start over the next day with the intention of finishing going the distance.  To date, I am two days junk free!  I can't think about tomorrow or next week because I can't control the future but what I can see and control is my day.  Day to day junk free is how I'm living right now. 

Now to change to subject, I finally tried kickboxing!  Oh boy was I excited!  So, Monday me and my big girl friend went to kickboxing class and it was fun; however, it wasn't what I expected.  First, let me tell you how this short, skinny lady had us running in circles around the room for five minutes at a time!  Yes, FIVE MINUTES!  The running was after she worked us out with some crazy cardio mix of jumping and squatting and all kinds of craziness.  For forty minutes, we did this and by the end of the circuit, I was done but class was an hour.  Kickboxing wasn't what I thought and I wasn't sweating as much as I would've like but I am going to give it another try next Monday.  So far Zumba has kickboxing beat.  Anyway, the day after kickboxing class, I was in a lot of pain.  I thought the class didn't work but my legs were on fire and I was excited!  Since I was in pain, I knew kickboxing worked for me.  Next week I am going to to shoot for kickboxing on Monday and Zumba on Tuesday and Thursday.  I must say, I love the freedom of being independent and driving on my own.  I'm able to do things I never thought I would be able to and going places the bus will not take me.