Saturday, February 19, 2011

Day 77-80 Self Destruction

Last week, I had to walk to pick my nephews up from school.  My three nephews go to three different schools and only one of them get bused.  Anyway, my oldest nephew's school is 1.5 miles away from my apartment.  At first I was upset because I had to walk to get him when I typically would drive but then I thought it would be good exercise.  After I picked up my first nephew, I picked up my second nephew from his school, which is only down the street from my apartment.  By the time I got back home, I walked for two hours!  I thought what a good workout.  I got the more exercise that day than I have in a while.  I thought it was awesome the amount of exercise I got in that day.  I remember thinking I should watch what I eat but that thought was a passing thought.

I can't remember what I had for dinner that night but I know I pigged out on a lot of junk food.  While I was stuffing my face with one good tasting sweet treat after the other, I realized I was purposely over eating and I didn't want to stop.  That's right, I didn't want to stop eating my good junk food.  I know my behavior and eating habits are destructive but I still continue to do it.  I'm like Paul in Bible where he speaks of the bad things he does because he was born in sin, Roman 7:14:

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.
17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.
22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;
23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?
25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
   So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

You may not think it's that serious but indeed it is.  I know what eating well and exercising will do for me but the old me constantly creeps up cheering me on to eat badly.  Don't get me wrong, I love the way I look in my clothes.  They are starting to fall off me and I'm loving it and I'm going to continue to lose weight until all this weight is gone.  It's just a struggle.  A really tough struggle and that's why I realized the 100 pounds in 100 days plan won't work.  I have to continue to fight until the good side of me has won but I feel as if I'm running out of time.  If you've read my earlier blogs, you know why I'm focused on losing weight but it seams as if it's not enough or maybe I'm lazier than I thought.  I mean, the second month of the year is almost gone and still nothing.  God, help me because I can't keep playing the monthly guessing game.  Man, I'm so mad at myself for not giving this journey my 100 percent! 

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