Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 136-141 Numbers Checked? Check!

Last Saturday my church sponsored a Health Fair.  It was really awesome because they had a medical truck that performed different test screenings like diabetes, high blood pressure and HIV.  I decided to get my diabetes and high blood pressure checked.  The last time I had my number ran was about two years ago when I found out I was pregnant.  I wasn't sure if it counted since I was pregnant so I wanted to get it checked since I'm not pregnant now.  Anyway, I was a bit nervous because my father has diabetes and high blood pressure and a host of other health problems.  My biggest fear is that my weight has granted me the unfortunate fate of sharing my father's health problems. 

The nurse that performed the tests was a healthy seventy-something year old woman who look as if she never ate anything bad in her entire life and her husband is a doctor who hasn't eatten sweets since 1996!  When she saw this big black beautiful girl walk on the tiny medical bus, I know she was thinking all kings of stuff.  I can imagine her looking at me and saying to herself, "That's one big girl!  I know I'm going to give her a rude awakening."  Well, first she performed the high blood pressure test and she seamed surprised that my blood pressure was normal because she said, "Oh, looks like your blood pressure is good."  I don't remember exactly what my numbers were because I really wanted to hear about the diabetes test.  Well, here we go...the big test.  The scary test.  The test that would shake my foundation.  The nurse pricked my finger with an Accu-Chek blood glucose monitor and after a few seconds, yes, seconds, my number was 103.  The nurse said that was good.  I went back to my health information session class thinking this little old lady lied to me.  If 110 is the normal, I asked her before I left the bus, than 103 must mean I'm pre-diabetic, right? Wrong.  My glucose blood sugar is fine.  I'm fine.  This was great news!  Granted I'm not where I should be but I'm working on my weight and as long as I keep going, I will be alright.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 132-135 One of those days

Today is not a good day.  I'm trying to stay positive but I don't know how much longer I can fake it.  I'm sitting here trying not to cry or eat because I'm just really down about my life today.  Yesterday I had an another interview, I think I'm in the fifties with these interviews, and asked my typical interview question: "Is there any thing you see on my resume or anything that we discussed that makes you think I'm not qualified for this position?"  The answer is always not but yesterday the legal secretary, I was being interviewed by a legal secretary and an attorney, said no.  She said you're qualified and very articulate.  She went on the say other nice things about me but I can't remember the other compliments she paid me because in my head I'm screaming hire me!  HIRE ME! HIRE ME!  The attorney chimed in and said "I just want to be clear.  This isn't a paralegal position.  This is a legal secretary position and you seam to have more paralegal experience and some secretarial experience but we're looking for more secretary experience.  I don't want you to think your getting a paralegal position and want to make sure that's clear".  I told the attorney the title of the position doesn't matter.  I'm looking for a permanent position in a law firm and I don't care if I'm the file clerk.  I'm looking to gain experience with a law firm I can grow with.  You can hire me as a file clerk and it wouldn't matter.  The attorney just said, "Okay."  I'm a bit confused because my resume gets me the interviews and they can obviously read the what I have experience in but when they interview me they say I'm over qualified or under qualified.  I just don't get it.

You know people actually think I'm not trying to find a job?  Yes.  Someone told me last week that I'm not trying to find a job because I did not have an interview last week but I had one the week before that and the week before that.  I guess if I don't get an interview at least once a week I'm not trying.  Also, I have people telling me I should've been working or they could've been had me a job.  I can go and get a job but what I want is so much bigger than a job.  I'm not sure if people can understand what I'm fighting for.  It goes beyond just a job.  I'm fighting for a career, something no one in my immediate family has ever had and it's not just for me.  I'm fighting for my unborn children.  They will not have this same fight.  This thing is so big that I know one I break through, I will be able to help more people besides my husband and kids.  My parents will be better off and so will my siblings.  I'm trying but I'm tired.  Sunday the Word for the Lord was to be positive and you have to move past asking God to do and expecting Him to do.  I'm past asking.  I'm past prophecies.  I'm ready, been ready, for my actual blessings and prophecy to come to my present. 

Although yesterday's interview was good, I feel like I'm getting nowhere in my life.  In the past year the only thing that changed is that I got my driver's licence.  I'm still unemployed and childless.  I can't help my husband with the financials and attempt to relieve stress from him because I DON'T HAVE A JOB!  I considered going to work in retail and make mimumin wage until I can find a more permit position but when I broke down how much I receive from unemployment I make less on unemployment than I would working a mimumin wage paying job.  How ridiculous is that?!  I'm really tired.  Really tired.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong nor do I understand why it seams others are getting blessed and I'm still waiting in line.

I'm just having one of those days.  

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 119-131 Duck Duck Goose

Yesterday was my anniversary!!   My husband and I have been married for three years.  Last night, we decided to celebrate by going to dinner and to see the movie Hanna, really good movie by the way.  I wanted to try something new so I decided to try duck.  Now, if you know anything about me, I do not like trying anything new.  My motto is if I go to a restaurant that is foreign to me, eat chicken.  Chicken is always safe because I know what I'm eating.  Well, for some reason, yesterday I was in the mood to be different.  Duck is good and the consistency reminded me of ham but you order it like you would a steak, well done, medium, etc.  I ordered mine medium well and although I enjoyed my duck, I didn't enjoy eating the fat.  Like steak, fat is the juiciest part but I wasn't raised eating fatback and eating fat is disgusting to me.  I cut the fat and just ate the duck.  Once I ate the meet, I enjoyed it but my mind was trying to play tricks on me. 

As I was eating my duck, thoughts were popping in my head attempting the make me freak out.  It almost worked too but I had to talk to myself and dismiss all negative thoughts and just go for it.  I have such a hard time trying new things, even non food related things, because I can't see the outcome.  I remember when I was in college and I realized that at age 21, I could be on my own, living in an apartment with a grown-up job and be an adult.  This thought scared the crap out of me.  I couldn't see how this could happen for me at such a young age.  I couldn't imagine myself at 21 being a grown-up and I could see how to get there or what would happen once I was there.  Instead of just embarrassing life as it came, I worried about the outcome so much that I literally ran from adulthood.  I did everything in my power to sabotage my chance of growing up too quickly.  I would drop out of school and stop going to class and this behavior forced the school to put me on academic probation several times.  I just wasn't ready for life, so I thought but the fact of the matter was just too concerned about tomorrow that I couldn't enjoy life today.  At the time I was in a junior college and it took me seven years to complete my degree.  It took me seven years to get a two year degree.  That's why last night was so important for me.  I needed to get over myself and just try something new. 

Anyway, back to my duck.  We went to a restaurant call GG's Restaurant and it was a beautifully romantic place.  My husband wore a black suit with a white shirt and I wore a black dress with a red belt.  I was so excited to celebrate our anniversary.  You should have seen me.  I felt like a kid in a candy store.  I was smiling from ear to ear because it was nice being out with my hubby.  We had a chance to just do us without any family members around.  Alone time is good for every relationship.  Anyway, I was beside myself with excitement.  My husband looked good, I looked good and felt good so I ordered me a drink.  Yes, a drink.  I ordered a nice cold, icy strawberry daiquiri, a virgin strawberry daiquiri.  It was good too. 

Although, I'm changing my eating habits, I was not concerned with this yesterday.  I just wanted to enjoy myself and my husband and I did.  I have no regrets because you only get to live once, married once, and one anniversary.  Yesterday wasn't about counting calories instead it was about enjoying life in the moment.

Here is what I ordered:

Flatbread Pizza of the Day - ham, spinach, tomatoes, Swiss cheese (we shared this)
Duck Brest - A roasted boneless duck breast with an orange and wasabi glaze served with scallion rice
pilaf and stir fried vegetables