Day 142-147 Shaking & Moving...Alone

Last week, I went to my Zumba class alone, twice.  Before I went each time, I email three of my friends who went with me in the past and everyone of them said they weren't available.  My sister who lives with me was at work and wouldn't make it home in time enought to come Zumba with me.  At 4 p.m. each day, I was alone in going to my Zumba class.  My first thought was to go but then I got scared and had a mental battle with myself as to wheather or not I should go to Zumba since no one else was going.  After about and hour of this, I consulted my husband and he said, "Yeah you should go babe.  You keep going and get sexier".  Needless to say my mental battle ended but not my fear of going alone.  This was my first time going to Zumba alone and I guess not having anyone to lean on for support while at Zumba frightened me.  What was I scared of?  I haven't the slightest clue but the thought of being alone moving and shaking didn't sit well with me.  Even though my friends weren't available, I made myself go because in the end, no not of life but the end of your journey, all you really have is God and yourself.  If you don't make yourself go after what you want then you will never get what your eyes are set on.

My sis-in-law and I on our way to Zumba. Her first time. She was nervous.

My oldest sister and I home from Zumba.  This was my sister's first time.  We were exhusted!

Oh and even though I have on the same shirt, these pictures are like a two weeks apart.

I've been going to Zumba alone for about two or three weeks now and I notice that when I go alone, I sweat more.  Weird, right? Not really.  When I'm uncomfortable I make jokes with whomever I'm with.  Well, with no one going with me for the last few times, I couldn't make jokes to anyone even though the room is filled with women.  Less talking and more working is what happens to me when I go to Zumba alone.  Go figure, right?! LOL

Day 136-141 Numbers Checked? Check!

Last Saturday my church sponsored a Health Fair.  It was really awesome because they had a medical truck that performed different test screenings like diabetes, high blood pressure and HIV.  I decided to get my diabetes and high blood pressure checked.  The last time I had my number ran was about two years ago when I found out I was pregnant.  I wasn't sure if it counted since I was pregnant so I wanted to get it checked since I'm not pregnant now.  Anyway, I was a bit nervous because my father has diabetes and high blood pressure and a host of other health problems.  My biggest fear is that my weight has granted me the unfortunate fate of sharing my father's health problems. 

The nurse that performed the tests was a healthy seventy-something year old woman who look as if she never ate anything bad in her entire life and her husband is a doctor who hasn't eatten sweets since 1996!  When she saw this big black beautiful girl walk on the tiny medical bus, I know she was thinking all kings of stuff.  I can imagine her looking at me and saying to herself, "That's one big girl!  I know I'm going to give her a rude awakening."  Well, first she performed the high blood pressure test and she seamed surprised that my blood pressure was normal because she said, "Oh, looks like your blood pressure is good."  I don't remember exactly what my numbers were because I really wanted to hear about the diabetes test.  Well, here we go...the big test.  The scary test.  The test that would shake my foundation.  The nurse pricked my finger with an Accu-Chek blood glucose monitor and after a few seconds, yes, seconds, my number was 103.  The nurse said that was good.  I went back to my health information session class thinking this little old lady lied to me.  If 110 is the normal, I asked her before I left the bus, than 103 must mean I'm pre-diabetic, right? Wrong.  My glucose blood sugar is fine.  I'm fine.  This was great news!  Granted I'm not where I should be but I'm working on my weight and as long as I keep going, I will be alright.

Day 132-135 One of those days

Today is not a good day.  I'm trying to stay positive but I don't know how much longer I can fake it.  I'm sitting here trying not to cry or eat because I'm just really down about my life today.  Yesterday I had an another interview, I think I'm in the fifties with these interviews, and asked my typical interview question: "Is there any thing you see on my resume or anything that we discussed that makes you think I'm not qualified for this position?"  The answer is always not but yesterday the legal secretary, I was being interviewed by a legal secretary and an attorney, said no.  She said you're qualified and very articulate.  She went on the say other nice things about me but I can't remember the other compliments she paid me because in my head I'm screaming hire me!  HIRE ME! HIRE ME!  The attorney chimed in and said "I just want to be clear.  This isn't a paralegal position.  This is a legal secretary position and you seam to have more paralegal experience and some secretarial experience but we're looking for more secretary experience.  I don't want you to think your getting a paralegal position and want to make sure that's clear".  I told the attorney the title of the position doesn't matter.  I'm looking for a permanent position in a law firm and I don't care if I'm the file clerk.  I'm looking to gain experience with a law firm I can grow with.  You can hire me as a file clerk and it wouldn't matter.  The attorney just said, "Okay."  I'm a bit confused because my resume gets me the interviews and they can obviously read the what I have experience in but when they interview me they say I'm over qualified or under qualified.  I just don't get it.

You know people actually think I'm not trying to find a job?  Yes.  Someone told me last week that I'm not trying to find a job because I did not have an interview last week but I had one the week before that and the week before that.  I guess if I don't get an interview at least once a week I'm not trying.  Also, I have people telling me I should've been working or they could've been had me a job.  I can go and get a job but what I want is so much bigger than a job.  I'm not sure if people can understand what I'm fighting for.  It goes beyond just a job.  I'm fighting for a career, something no one in my immediate family has ever had and it's not just for me.  I'm fighting for my unborn children.  They will not have this same fight.  This thing is so big that I know one I break through, I will be able to help more people besides my husband and kids.  My parents will be better off and so will my siblings.  I'm trying but I'm tired.  Sunday the Word for the Lord was to be positive and you have to move past asking God to do and expecting Him to do.  I'm past asking.  I'm past prophecies.  I'm ready, been ready, for my actual blessings and prophecy to come to my present. 

Although yesterday's interview was good, I feel like I'm getting nowhere in my life.  In the past year the only thing that changed is that I got my driver's licence.  I'm still unemployed and childless.  I can't help my husband with the financials and attempt to relieve stress from him because I DON'T HAVE A JOB!  I considered going to work in retail and make mimumin wage until I can find a more permit position but when I broke down how much I receive from unemployment I make less on unemployment than I would working a mimumin wage paying job.  How ridiculous is that?!  I'm really tired.  Really tired.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong nor do I understand why it seams others are getting blessed and I'm still waiting in line.

I'm just having one of those days.  

Day 119-131 Duck Duck Goose

Yesterday was my anniversary!!   My husband and I have been married for three years.  Last night, we decided to celebrate by going to dinner and to see the movie Hanna, really good movie by the way.  I wanted to try something new so I decided to try duck.  Now, if you know anything about me, I do not like trying anything new.  My motto is if I go to a restaurant that is foreign to me, eat chicken.  Chicken is always safe because I know what I'm eating.  Well, for some reason, yesterday I was in the mood to be different.  Duck is good and the consistency reminded me of ham but you order it like you would a steak, well done, medium, etc.  I ordered mine medium well and although I enjoyed my duck, I didn't enjoy eating the fat.  Like steak, fat is the juiciest part but I wasn't raised eating fatback and eating fat is disgusting to me.  I cut the fat and just ate the duck.  Once I ate the meet, I enjoyed it but my mind was trying to play tricks on me. 

As I was eating my duck, thoughts were popping in my head attempting the make me freak out.  It almost worked too but I had to talk to myself and dismiss all negative thoughts and just go for it.  I have such a hard time trying new things, even non food related things, because I can't see the outcome.  I remember when I was in college and I realized that at age 21, I could be on my own, living in an apartment with a grown-up job and be an adult.  This thought scared the crap out of me.  I couldn't see how this could happen for me at such a young age.  I couldn't imagine myself at 21 being a grown-up and I could see how to get there or what would happen once I was there.  Instead of just embarrassing life as it came, I worried about the outcome so much that I literally ran from adulthood.  I did everything in my power to sabotage my chance of growing up too quickly.  I would drop out of school and stop going to class and this behavior forced the school to put me on academic probation several times.  I just wasn't ready for life, so I thought but the fact of the matter was just too concerned about tomorrow that I couldn't enjoy life today.  At the time I was in a junior college and it took me seven years to complete my degree.  It took me seven years to get a two year degree.  That's why last night was so important for me.  I needed to get over myself and just try something new. 

Anyway, back to my duck.  We went to a restaurant call GG's Restaurant and it was a beautifully romantic place.  My husband wore a black suit with a white shirt and I wore a black dress with a red belt.  I was so excited to celebrate our anniversary.  You should have seen me.  I felt like a kid in a candy store.  I was smiling from ear to ear because it was nice being out with my hubby.  We had a chance to just do us without any family members around.  Alone time is good for every relationship.  Anyway, I was beside myself with excitement.  My husband looked good, I looked good and felt good so I ordered me a drink.  Yes, a drink.  I ordered a nice cold, icy strawberry daiquiri, a virgin strawberry daiquiri.  It was good too. 

Although, I'm changing my eating habits, I was not concerned with this yesterday.  I just wanted to enjoy myself and my husband and I did.  I have no regrets because you only get to live once, married once, and one anniversary.  Yesterday wasn't about counting calories instead it was about enjoying life in the moment.

Here is what I ordered:

Flatbread Pizza of the Day - ham, spinach, tomatoes, Swiss cheese (we shared this)
Duck Brest - A roasted boneless duck breast with an orange and wasabi glaze served with scallion rice
pilaf and stir fried vegetables

Day 105-118 Kickboxing Kicked my Butt!

Finally back after a week of being sick!  I was so sick last week, my fingers hurt and all I did was slept until I was better.  I'm not exactly sure what I had but whatever it was it's gone now, thank God.  Anyway, I wasn't at the gym at all last week due to my sickness.  I didn't even have strength to do excerises at home.  I can't believe I went an entire winter without getting sick and then the last day of winter, it all caught up to me last Sunday.  When I was sick, my diet consisted of chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches on wheat bread.  I ate that for a week until I was feeling better.  I couldn't taste food so eating anything else was pointless.  I thought my sickness diet would render me a pound or two on the scale but it definitely did not; however, I didn't gain weight either.  I haven't gained or lost weight in a while come to think of it.  I'm glad I haven't gained any weight but I really need to reevaluate what I'm doing so I can drop some weight again.

Since my weight loss is at a temporary stand still, I decided to treat myself as if I've been through rehab.  Let me explain.  I wrote a blog about being a junkaholic and I've been struggling with getting off the junk for a few months now.  I haven't had a clear day of no junk since I December of last year and since I track everything I eat on Sparkpeople.com, I know this is the reason I haven't dropped that much weight in the past few months.  Anyway, I decided to take it one day at a time when it comes to not eating junk.  I mean I literally take it one day at a time.  I started about two weeks ago an haven't make it past day one but no matter what happens, slip-up, forgetfulness, a piece of candy accidentally falls into my mouth, I start over the next day with the intention of finishing going the distance.  To date, I am two days junk free!  I can't think about tomorrow or next week because I can't control the future but what I can see and control is my day.  Day to day junk free is how I'm living right now. 

Now to change to subject, I finally tried kickboxing!  Oh boy was I excited!  So, Monday me and my big girl friend went to kickboxing class and it was fun; however, it wasn't what I expected.  First, let me tell you how this short, skinny lady had us running in circles around the room for five minutes at a time!  Yes, FIVE MINUTES!  The running was after she worked us out with some crazy cardio mix of jumping and squatting and all kinds of craziness.  For forty minutes, we did this and by the end of the circuit, I was done but class was an hour.  Kickboxing wasn't what I thought and I wasn't sweating as much as I would've like but I am going to give it another try next Monday.  So far Zumba has kickboxing beat.  Anyway, the day after kickboxing class, I was in a lot of pain.  I thought the class didn't work but my legs were on fire and I was excited!  Since I was in pain, I knew kickboxing worked for me.  Next week I am going to to shoot for kickboxing on Monday and Zumba on Tuesday and Thursday.  I must say, I love the freedom of being independent and driving on my own.  I'm able to do things I never thought I would be able to and going places the bus will not take me.

Days 103&104 Shake It! My Zumba Experience

I just got home from my first day of Zumba class.  I just have one word to describe it...AWESOME!  I solicited one of my big girl friends and we shook what our mamas gave us all up and down the dance floor! I had a ball!  Don't get me wrong I felt like I was working out but it was fun.  Right now, my entire body is aching. Even my fingers! LOL.  While in the class, I felt as if I wasn't working hard enough to get a good burn.  I know I'm not a heavy sweater but I really wanted a high impact, keep-going-until-you-pass-out type workout.  Well, I felt like I didn't get what I wanted out of the class until I stopped dancing.  My hips and butt are hurting so much that I'm in pain while sitting writing this blog.  I LOVE IT!  Like I said, I'm not much of a sweater but I know I got a good dance in because my body is in pain. 

I'm excited about doing Zumba because one of my readers told me that dancing helps with the lower body and, if you've read my past blogs, you know I'm struggling to get my lower body in shape.  I'm going to take a picture of my butt once a month so I see that sucka shrink!  I mean, don't get me wrong.  I love the junk in my trunk and my hubby does also but a little less would be nice.  Anyway, I love Zumba!  Monday I'm going to do kick boxing and pick up Zumba twice a week and add more gradually. 

The best thing about doing a class is you push yourself because of the people around you.  I wanted to stop moving but I didn't.  I did it for an hour!  Typically, I would do cardio for twenty or thirty minutes max but since I was in a class full of people and they didn't stop I didn't want to stop.  I felt I had to keep move and shaking with them.  Now I can't wait until I really know the dance moves so I can really shake it all over that dance floor.  MAN, I FEEL AWESOME!

Day 99-102 Is it my turn yet?

How do you like the new blog look?  I thought I would spruce things up a bit since this is round two. 

Two weeks ago I had an interview with a very a prestigious international law firm.  I was so excited!  I researched this company for two day, gathered tons of information about the company and even practiced mock interviews with my husband.  I did so much work so they would look at me and say this girl got the stuff.  Last week, I followed up with the company to see if I made it to the second set of interviews and was told they liked me very much and had nothing negative to say about me.  Well, today I called and found out that I didn't make it to the second interview.  Out of the four people they selected, they choose two and I wasn't one of the two.  I really wanted this job.  I've been working hard to get a job in an international law firm that would take me and mold my career into something I've never seen before in my life.  I couldn't wait to grow with this law firm and learn from them.  I was dreaming about job and was extremely excited because I just knew I was going to get it.  I had visions of me telling my Dad and him rejoicing with me because we always wanted this for me. 

Since receiving this news a few hours ago, I've had some time to process my thoughts and I've came to a few conclusions.  I've been unemployed for almost a year and I can get interviews but I can't get the job.  Why?  I haven't a clue!  I've taken people's advice on how to conduct myself during an interview.  I was told that I'm not confident so I change everything, cover letter, resume, to make sure confidence is radiating out of my body.  Next I was told I didn't look "corporate" so I changed my look when I go on interviews.  I wear my contacts, put my hair in a business-friendly style and wear a suit (as always).  The only thing I refuse to do is dye my hair.  My hair is black and naturally grey.  It started changing colors when I was in high school from all black to strands of red and finally grey.  Sometime you see it sometimes you don't.  I refuse to dye my hair because a few years ago, I dyed my hair, got pregnant and discovered that dye and perms wasn't good to do when you're pregnant.  Once I read this, I stopped and the growing-out process began.  My hair went from black to green to yellow to gold.  Finally my grey is grey again!  I praying to be pregnant this year and going though that ugly growing-out phase isn't something I'm interested in.  Anyway, that's the only suggestion I couldn't consider.  Since, I've made the other changes people told me to make, I've concluded that corporate America just doesn't like the way I look and I believe it's tied into my weight.

Currently I weigh 324 pounds.  I am morbidly obese.  I have a big butt, big hips, big eyes, big legs, big feet, long arms, huge hands and super size breasts.  This is me.  I'm black and I look like a black woman with all the extras.  If I was a skinny black woman then I might get the job but since I'm extra extra extra large my dream of working in a corporate law firm seams unreachable.  I'm curious to know when I finally drop 100 pounds and I'm no longer morbidly obese, will job offers fall on me like the rain on an April day?  I'm trying everything I can possible think of to get a job.  For the past few months, I started looking outside of the legal world for a job.  I'm applying for retail position and still can't get a job making minimum wage.  No, I don't really want a retail job but I need a job like now!

Yesterday at my church, the pastor preached about not eating any more manner from heaven.  Basically, he said that some of use don't need to be fed a prophecy about being successful anymore because now we're ready for the prophecy to come to past.  I'm was flipping out because I knew he was talking to me!  Ever since my husband and I got married, we've been prophesied to several times and we're still waiting.  God, when am I going to get mine?

Day 90-98 Welcome Back...

I have so much to tell you guys!  A lot has transpired over the past week and I'm proud of myself.  First, I finally went to the GYM!!! I know, right?! Go me!  Last Thursday, I decided to get up and go to the gym and my plan was to walk with my sister as she walked her son to the bus stop and then go straight to the gym.  I knew getting out of the house would force me to go in the right direction.  Anyway, my sister offered to go with me and we worked out for about an hour and fifteen minutes.  How did it go?  Well, the elipicial machine was too much for me to handle so I could only do it for 15 minutes.  I remember when I was about 80 pounds lighter, the ellipicial machine was easy and I could go 30 minutes like it was nothing but not now.  After the ellipicial machine, I moved to the stationary bike.  I never really like stationary bikes but I got a good 20 minutes in.  Finally, I moved on to weights to strengthen my legs and back.  After all that I felt really accomplished and really good about myself.  The next day I was in a little pain but mainly my lower body, which I didn't mind because I need my hips and buttocks to shrink. 

This past Monday, I decided to go back to the gym but this time it was in the evening.  I thought it would be less people there because I wanted to go wild and run on the treadmill.  When I went to the gym last Thursday, I was too scared to try the treadmill because the strain on my knees were to excruciating to deal with.  Well, Monday I decided to start with the treadmill and since the gym was empty, I decided to run a little.  I ran a 3.5 for 15-30 seconds after which I stopped because two women walked in and I'm really self conscience of my body.  I can't stand all the shaking especially my butt and boobs.  When they walked in, they had to walk behind me in order to completely enter the gym and I was mortified because I didn't notice them, I had on my IPod, until they passed me.  I know it's silly but I can't have someone around when my body is shaking excessively.  It's embarrassing!  Anyway, when I ran on the treadmill, I discovered that I could run...on a treadmill!  My knees weren't popping and cracking or in pain.  I'm glad I tried it besides, I figure if Aurthur on the Biggest Loser can run on a treadmill weighing over 400 pounds, then I can do it also.

Today I went back to the gym and it was a bit crowded.  I didn't allow my psychoness to run me out of the gym this time.  I walked in and went directly to the ellipicial machine.  I set the time for 30 minutes but could only complete 20; however, the first day I went I could barely do five minutes.  This was an improvement.  After I worked on the ellipical machine, I began my 20 minute workout on the stationary bike and completed my work out with lifting weights.

Although I did not complete my journey of 100 pounds in 100 days, I have made some significant changes and improvements.  I lost 15 pounds and have managed to keep within two or 3 pounds for two months.  Today was my last weigh-in for the 100 pounds in 100 days challenge but I'm not anywhere done.  For those of you following me to see if I could lose 100 pounds in 100 days, I apologize for not completing my journey.  I do not apologize, however, for the goals, weights, accomplishments I've achieved.  Since, I did not complete my jorney in the time promised, I am going to change the name of my blog so I will not promote false advertisement.  I hope I've encourage many and helped other start their fight and continue fighting.  I know I am because I rock and I'm worth it.

I hope you continue to follow me.  My new blog name is 100 Pounds 100 Days-ish.  LOL Lets see if I double this number and lose 30 pounds which will make my total 45! 

Day 81-89 Weigh-in #13

Last week I weighed myself and gained a pound.  Yeah I know how disappointing, right?  I'm not giving up.  My mother-in-law swears my husband and I are going to give up but I told her last week I can't.  I have BIG plans and goals and they do not revolve around me being overweight.  I think her point was to encourage us to continue.  My father-in-law is really proud of my husband's weight loss and really hopes he continues.  I know as long as I continue to fight, my husband will also.  I think if I give up then he will too and vise verse.  We're not mimicing eat other actions but we know we are in battle together and if one goes down the other mya unintentionally. 

On a more exciting note my mother told me she looked at a picture of me from June 2009 and she couldn't believe her eyes.  She said she can see my weight loss from eight months ago.  That was very exciting to hear!  My mom always encouraged me to lose weight as an adult.   When I was a kid she didn't know how to handle me because I was bigger than my older sister.  I wasn't fat I was just two sizes bigger than her.  When my mother and father got married, my mother was tiny.  My oldest sister, being my parents first child, inherited my mother's tiny waistline.  I, on the other hand, inherited my father's expanding waistline and appetite.  My theory is that my mother, not being a big girl, didn't know how to handle a big girl so sometimes she said hurtful things to me regarding my weight as a child.  One day I told my mother, if a person doesn't like the way I look then they can close their eyes.  I was lucky she didn't knock my teeth out! LOL  I've always been a big girl but I'm not ashamed of who I am or what I look like.  I've never been one of those women on TV crying because I never had a boyfriend or had trouble in school because of my weight.  I have a BIG mouth and always said what I was thinking and if someone would hint at my weight, they would get the wrath of Zipporah all over them!  So, I wasn't bullied or picked on in school because I would hurt you if you cross the line.  Also, despite what society says about fat people, I know I'm beautiful.  Not on the inside only and not from the neck up.  Every part of is beautiful.  Every roll, strech mark and even the cellulite on my thighs.  It's funny because I remember thinking like this when I grew up but somewhere down the line, I forgot how I accepted myself and didn't care about what people thought.  As I got older I became too concerned with people's feeling and placed their feelings over me.  Wow!  I can't believe I'm just realizing the situation I placed myself in.  Anyway, I off on a tangent, which I always do, but make sure you are proud of yourself no matter how you look or how big or small you are. Oh and if someone doens't like the way you look and they choose the verbilize it, make sure you turn around, wind up your fist and punch them right in their mouth! LOL

Anyway, a few weeks ago I read about a website called sparkpeople.com.  It's a way of tracking your food intake and excerise habits.  It's like Weight Watchers except it's free!  Yup, FREE.  Before I blogged about sparkpeople.com, I wanted to test it out for a few weeks.  I'm approching my third week and let me tell you it's a real eye-opener.  I've tracked my food for two weeks not and I see why I'm stuck going up and down 2 pounds.  I eat too much!  Yes, I already knew I ate too much but to see it on paper (or on the computer screen) has a disterbing effect on me.  I see now why I got to be over 300 pound in my 31 years on God's great Earth.  Sparkpeople gives you weekly goals:  calorie, fitness, reading, etc., and you have to reach those goals on a daily, weekly and yearly basis.  Well, I can't stay within my goals because I eat food that are too high in calories.  Here is a typically day for me. 

 Some days I start off doing really good but I always end the same way, eating junk at night!

You can see my calorie intake for the day and my daily goal.  This day I was really close to reaching my goal but then night fell and I fell with it.  This week, my goal is simple.  My goal is to reach my goals and not go over. 

This blog is way too long so I need to shut up now.  Check out http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and see if you like it.  It's really easy and you will get to know yourself a little better while trying to lose weight.  Also, I apologize for not posting more but my life is busy right now.  My main focus is finding a job!  Since I'm driving now, I want to go and do EVERYTHING but little funds equals little fun! 

God Bless guys and take care!

Day 77-80 Self Destruction

Last week, I had to walk to pick my nephews up from school.  My three nephews go to three different schools and only one of them get bused.  Anyway, my oldest nephew's school is 1.5 miles away from my apartment.  At first I was upset because I had to walk to get him when I typically would drive but then I thought it would be good exercise.  After I picked up my first nephew, I picked up my second nephew from his school, which is only down the street from my apartment.  By the time I got back home, I walked for two hours!  I thought what a good workout.  I got the more exercise that day than I have in a while.  I thought it was awesome the amount of exercise I got in that day.  I remember thinking I should watch what I eat but that thought was a passing thought.

I can't remember what I had for dinner that night but I know I pigged out on a lot of junk food.  While I was stuffing my face with one good tasting sweet treat after the other, I realized I was purposely over eating and I didn't want to stop.  That's right, I didn't want to stop eating my good junk food.  I know my behavior and eating habits are destructive but I still continue to do it.  I'm like Paul in Bible where he speaks of the bad things he does because he was born in sin, Roman 7:14:

¹⁴ We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.

¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;

²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.

 ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

   So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

You may not think it's that serious but indeed it is.  I know what eating well and exercising will do for me but the old me constantly creeps up cheering me on to eat badly.  Don't get me wrong, I love the way I look in my clothes.  They are starting to fall off me and I'm loving it and I'm going to continue to lose weight until all this weight is gone.  It's just a struggle.  A really tough struggle and that's why I realized the 100 pounds in 100 days plan won't work.  I have to continue to fight until the good side of me has won but I feel as if I'm running out of time.  If you've read my earlier blogs, you know why I'm focused on losing weight but it seams as if it's not enough or maybe I'm lazier than I thought.  I mean, the second month of the year is almost gone and still nothing.  God, help me because I can't keep playing the monthly guessing game.  Man, I'm so mad at myself for not giving this journey my 100 percent! 

Day 65-77 Weigh-in #11 & 12 Upside Down

I'm back!  Yes, it's been about two weeks since my last post but in those two weeks my life has been turned upside down.  First off, let me tell you how much weight I gained/lost.  Last week, weigh-in #11 I gained 2 pounds (you'll understand why later) and this week I lost two pounds.  So now I weigh 324 and I'm stuck!  Let me tell you what's been going on since my last post.

Two weeks ago, my sister and her three boys came to live with us because she lost her job and her apartment.  Not a huge deal.  She's my sister and she needed help so we stepped in.  Well, here's the problem.  She has three boys and they eat like crazy!  She goes shopping like twice a week!  I'm not use to my refrigerator being so stuffed.  I have no room for my good food and she buys a lot of bad food, well, I consider it bad.  They have cereal, chips, candy, lunch meat, cheese, nuggets and a lot of other bad food.  I can't remember if I mentioned this before but I am a cheese lover and my husband is a milk lover.  I do not keep these things in the house because, like junk, I can't control how much I eat.  Also, I love cereal.  LOVE IT!  Growing up, cereal was a special treat!  If cold cereal was in the house that meant my parents had a little extra money to buy us, it's six of us, cereal and it would last for only a day or two.  Well, my sister is only staying here for a short time but it's really effecting our new eating plan.  I haven't a clue what to do.  She's trying to respect what we are doing but the food she has is for the kids and she tries not to bring anything in the house that would effect our new eating plan but like I said she has three boys.  No she not force feeding us but she let us know we are welcome to anything she has in the fridge. 

Another problem we're having is dinner.  Sometimes I cook dinner so the boys can get a healthier meal and to introduce them to new foods.  Other times, I have to tell her to cook whatever she wants for dinner and I will cook for my husband and I but she thinks it's silly to cook two different meals but I refuse to eat her cooking.  She thinks since we're all in one house, we should eat the same dinner but the food I buy is very little and it's strictly for my husband and I.  The food I buy is supper expensive because it's healthier and I don't like waisting it on the boys.  One time I made baked fish with lemon and onions, brown rice with parsley, garlic and butter and veggies and they didn't like the food.  So I basically waisted my time, food and some money.  They like to eat the Lipton rice.  I stopped buying that rice because of the sodium.  My sister cooked one of the Lipton rice packs for them since they didn't like my food.  The suffered through the fish and veggies. 

On another note, there is a good thing coming out of this new living situation.  I get up every morning between 6 and 7a.m.  Before my sister and the boys moved in I woke up whenever I wanted and went to bed whenever I wanted.  Yes, I know this isn't good sleeping habits when your trying to lose weight but old tricks die hard.  I think on some level God had this planned because for the past year or so God has been telling me to get up early.  I am NOT a morning person.  I would rather stay up late until 2 or 3 a.m. then to wake up early.  I know it's part laziness and part bad habits.  Before I got married, I was up until the wee hours of the morning studying because I live with my parents and late at night was the only quite time I could get to study.  Anyway, I wake up to help her take the boys to school, they all go to three different schools even though all of them are in elementary school.  Once I'm up I get my day started.  I quickly learned that I have to maximize my time at home when the boys and my sister aren't home.  Hince the silence on my blog for two weeks.  Once the boys get out of school, it's non stop talking, playing, helping with homework and discipline until it's time for them to go to bed.  By this time it's 7:30 p.m. and I chillin with my hubby to get as much quality time with hi as possible. 

I was so stressed out last week because when we offered my sister to live with us, we didn't expect things to change so much.  We were thinking about helping her and hopefully introducing her to a better life for her and the boys but who would have thought life as we knew it would end.  I was really upset because I lived with my parent until I got married.  Like I said before my parents has six kids and my house was always crowded.  Everywhere you went someone was there.  You hardly had any privacy.  Before I got married, there were four of us living at home.  Two of the four had kids so we went for six people living in a three bedroom home to nine or ten!  I was use to the chaos when I was with my parents but I haven't lived home for three years and my husband and I don't have any children yet so my life at home was very peaceful.  I LOVED IT.  I didn't feel the need to run away from home when I want peace and quite.  Well, now I, actually we feel the need to run away so we can have time to ourselves.  I had to realize the situation is only temporary and the faster we can get her on her feet the quicker we can go back to life as we knew it.

Pray for our strength and thanks for reading!

Day 58-64 Weigh-in #10

Another week, another weigh-in.  This week I only lost a pound but I'm still proud of myself because this is the longest I've ever stuck with losing weight.  Also, I'm starting to see changes in my clothes!  This is really exciting!  I'm not trying to over share but my bra has room in it, which kind of sucks but it's all good lol.  The only thing that's left to start srinking are my butt and hips.  I can't get these two problem areas to move to save my life!  I know that jumping and running helps but I can't jump or run for very long (yet) because of my knees.  I knew a girl who had a big booty like mine and her's didn't go away until she joined the military.  Maybe I should consider joining the military so they can shake my butt off me lol. 

On another note, I feel very accomplished today.  I got a lot of things done and I drove for the second time without my hubby.  Oh in case you didn't know I got my license two weeks ago and I'm enjoying my new found freedom.  I've only drove two places so far alone and that was to the supermarket and to my friend's house today.  Nevertheless, it's a small achievement that I didn't think I would accomplish but thanks to God for the courage and my hubby for the training, I'm rollin' with the big dawgs now! lol

Day 56-57 Weigh-in #9

Weighed myself yesterday and I lost another pound!  I know my weight loss is slow but a loss is a loss and I'm thrilled not to have gained any weigh.  Thank God!

Two weeks ago, when I gained weight for two weeks straight, I realized that I'm not going to be able to loose 100 pound in 100 days.  I'm sort of okay with this realization but it is rather disappointing.  To be honest I don't think I'm trying hard enough but when I started this weigh loss challenge, I was rushing to loose weight.  Over the last month or so I'm realizing that I can't run this thing like a sprint.  I have to run it like a marathon and it really sucks!  I know I didn't get to be over 300 pounds over night.  It was a goal that took over ten year to achieve but I thought that I could treat myself as if I'm on the Biggest Loser show and loose one hundred plus pounds in six months or less.  I'm still shooting for one hundred pounds in one hundred days but if I don't reach that goal in one hundred days I'm going to keep going until I feel I am at a comfortable weight. 

On another note, I'm debating whether or not if I should join weight watchers.  On one had they basically do all the work for you as far as calorie counting but on the other hand I have the access to the same information.  I can do research, actually more research and put together a meal plan based off the amount of calories I need to take in on a daily basis.  The only problem is I haven't done this with one hundred percent effort.  I really can't afford weight watchers but I know I don't have to do as much work when it comes to putting together a food plan.  What do you guys think?  Weight Watchers or not? 

Day 51-55 Talk about Dilemma!

Last weekend my husband wanted to take me out because we haven't been out in a little over a month.  Friday night we went to Mikado Japanese Sushi & Steak House and the food was awesome! Yes, I ate and I ate good.  I had the steak and scallops over rice with mixed vegetables.  My husband opted for steak and chicken along with some sushi.  Saturday we decided to go to the movies to see Dilemma but little did we know we would encounter our own little dilemma.

My husband and I were running late for the movie and by the time we purchased our tickets and popcorn, we missed most of the opening credits.  The theater was small and full.  We proceeded to the back because I thought I saw a few open seats and I did but it was next to people and I don't like sitting next to anyone in the movies.  We decided to sit closer to the screen so we can have some breathing room.  Well, here's the funny part, I went to sit in the seat and couldn't fit! I had to wiggle my big hips into the seat but I still couldn't fit properly.  Finally, I had to sit on the edge of the seat and slide back only to discover that I still wasn't going to fit in the stupid chair.  My only recourse was to pretend as if I was purposely lounging in the chair watching the movie.  Talk about dilemma!  It was embarrassing but not as embarrassing if someone noticed how I was sitting.  How amazing is it that I allowed myself to grow out of a normal size public seat but the fun did not end with the chair.

After the movie, I had to use to restroom.  I walked in the bathroom with several women rushing to relieve themselves of the half gallon soda stuper they drunk themselves into, I had water by the way.  Anyway, I went into one of the stalls and found myself struggling to fit into the freakin' stall!  Great, right?  How did I manage to get into the stall?  Well, like the seat inside the theater, I had to wiggle my way to fit.  In order for me to fit into the stall, I had to straddle the toilet seat, fully clothed of course, do a 360 degree turn just to close the door.  Once I was able to close the door, I thought I would be able to comfortably fit into the stall to handle my business.  Well, I wasn't.  I don't know how I managed but somehow I was able to work out peeing in a very uncomfortable position all while not urinating on myself.  Can you believe this?  As I was peeing, I looked at my hips compared to the size of the width of the stall and I swore I was almost the same size!  I should have used the handicap stall.  No, I'm not in anyway handicap...unless you count a HUGE butt as a handicap! lol

Day 46-50 Weigh-in #8

Two weeks in a row I struggled with losing weight and started gaining weigh back.  I felt horrible, ashamed and embarrassed.  Well, yesterday I weighted myself and I lost 5.6 pounds!  Whew!  What a load off.  I ate some junk but nothing close to the amound I ate in the past two weeks also I haven't been eating a lot of bread.  I worked out three times last week and monitored what I ate like I did when I started this journey.  I'm very proud of myself.

I know sometimes I might have ups and downs but I really didn't want to be one of those people who lost weight and gained it back several times.  I really wanted to be consistent but life happens sometimes and just like Paul said in the Bible, you must die daily.  I know this might sound silly but what I must do is "kill" is my old self in order to accomplish this goal.  Just like a cigarette smoker, alcoholic, or any type of abuse done to this temple, I have to fight to stay alive and away.  Wow am I really like an alcoholic?  That's harsh but it's true.  My alcohol is junk food and no matter how hard I try to walk away from my bottle in the shape of a flat, eight inch circle, it calls me back for another taste.  If I continue to go back and over consume, I'm drunkenly full with junk food and the sugar, instead of alcohol, stays in my system for several days.  I think I need OWA, Over Weight Annonymous lol.  Maybe I need to take my sin to the alter in church and smash it like preachers have smokers smash their cigarettes.  I would have a lot to carry! 

Check out My Husband's Progress page! 

Thanks for reading!

Day 40-45 Weigh-in #7 My Confession

I love blogging about my weight loss success because I'm so excited and happy and I give all my success to the Glory of God!  Now, here's my confession.  The last two weeks have been really difficult for me:  family issues, laziness, exhaustion.  I haven't given up, I was just on pause.  I haven't blogged a lot in the past two weeks because if my weight gain and if you've read my previous blog you'll may remember that I'm extremely embarrassed.  For this same reason, I've decided not to blog this week.  Well, I told my husband and he said I have a duty to speak the truth regardless if it's good or bad.  So, last week I weighed myself and gained another four pounds.  Yeah too much junk eating the the past two weeks and not enough exercise but I think my next weigh-in will be a lot better.  No weigh gain!   I'm confident that I can do this.  I'm going to get this flesh in to subjection and then I will be able to move on to another challenge in my life.

Day 36-39 Weigh-in #6

Last week's weigh-in was a real shocker.  I basically undid my hard work from the previous week's lost and I am ashamed.  I let myself, God, husband and my readers down.  When I weighted myself last week and saw that I gained five pounds, yes, FIVE POUNDS, I was mortified.  I couldn't believe I allowed my old self to creep back up.  At first I thought, "What did I do wrong?  I didn't eat anything bad" but then I remembered that I ate cookies, and my weekend eating slowly became a Monday through Friday thing.  The taste of something sweet engulfed me to the point where I wasn't making the decisions anymore.  I was doing without thinking.  Eating unconsciously not taking thought or account for my actions and that's exactly how I got to be over 300 pounds.  I can't let this go on. 

Pray for me that God grant me strength to continue to succeed.  Also, drop me a line and let me know how you are doing losing weight.

Day 34-35 Insane in the Membrane!

Yesterday, my husband and I did the unthinkable...we tried the Insanity workout by Shawn T!  The reason why it's called Insanity is because you have to lose your mind in order to accomplish the workout.  Do you think I'm exaggerate?  Try it and see.  He begins with a fitness test and it last about twenty minutes.  Every two weeks, you track your improvements on the different exercises he tells you to perform.  My husband was really excited to give Insanity a try, I wasn't but I did it anyway.  If this is what he needs to get exercising, then I'm going to hate it but I'll do it.  So, we begin the workout and it's crazy!  We didn't last more than ten minutes!  My husband did a good job with keeping up with Shawn T's pace but I couldn't.  It's very difficult for me to jump and this man had us jumping and hitting the floor several times.  The reason why it's so difficult is because you do specific exercised for sixty seconds and in those sixty seconds, you have to go a fast as you can, without losing form.  I can totally see this working.  He pushes you really hard but encourage you to take breaks when needed.  His exercise routine is a lot more intense then TaeBo!

Insanity is insane!

My husband really likes Shawn T's approach to getting fit and although we couldn't finish, we started and that's what important.  What's even more exciting is that my husband and I finally worked out together.  I've been trying to get him to workout with me since we've been married.  I'm excited that he wants to exercise and even more excited that he found something that challenge him.  My husband is the type of man that needs a challenge in order for him to stay interested in anything.  This challenges him and if this is want he needs then guess what, I'm going to go insane with insanity!

Before Insanity. yes, I sucked in my stomach! lol

My husband before Insanity. No after pics b/c we were whipped! lol

Day 30-33 New Year's Non-Resolution

Happy New Year everyone!   I pray you have a great new year and that this year will be very successful for you!  I know this year is going to be the best year of my life, I believe it because I know what God's promise is for my life. 

Anyway, I hope you didn't get caught up in making new year's resolutions.  I didn't. Making new year's resolution because they are pointless because if you desire to change your life, you will not wait until the beginning of a new year to change.  You would just change.  I am not an expert nor am I perfect.  I'm learning how to change my life at the moment a thought enters my mind.  It's not easy.  I'm 31 years old and I'm not exactly stuck in my ways but I don't like change.  Change isn't exactly good all the time especially when you can't see what the change will change.  This is why I don't like change.  You venture into the unknown and that's scary to me.  Even losing weight scares me because I have no idea what I will look like when I finally drop all this weight.  Yes, I was smaller before but not in my twenties and certainly not in my thirties. 

When I was younger, around fifteen, I started to put on a lot of weight.  Well, on several occasions, people, I have no clue who these people were, told me I look like Mrs. Piggy.  You see, my nose was shaped a little weird and I have fat cheeks. Well, when I was gaining weight, my cheeks would smash my nose like a hot dog inside a bun.  I've always been afraid to lose weight because of the unknown.  I don't want to look like that again.  Yes, I know that I'm all grown up and I probably won't look like Mrs. Piggy but I'm a little concerned.  I could always get a nose job lol.  Yeah right!

In this picture, I weighted around 220 and thought I was the boom!